I don't enjoy flying. It's nothing to do with fear or phobias, it's just that the whole experience is deeply unpleasant. You're expected to turn up hours ahead of your flight time, you have to go through endless checks and you're packed in like sardines, with little opportunity to stretch your legs.
What a shame I missed the golden age of the steam liner!
Of course, if you want to travel long distances cheaply, then you've no choice but to fly and fly economy class.
I booked flights to Quito, via Miami, on British Airways and American Airlines for £840 each (return). There are no direct flights from London and going via Miami, rather than Amsterdam or Madrid, seemed like a good idea. It was a shorter stop-over between flights and we got into Quito slightly earlier (or not quite as late). It meant a 2pm flight from Heathrow (very civilised) and we'd arrive in Quito at 11pm (with the help of adjusted time zones). Actual flight time is around nine hours to Miami and then four-and-a-half hours to Quito.
I first realised that Miami might not be such a good idea when I went to complete online check-in on the BA site. It wouldn't let me complete the process unless I could say that I had a visa to enter the US. I wasn't entering the US, I was just switching planes ...
However, a bit of quick internet research told me that US airports don't operate like European airports. If you're transferring, you have to go out and come back in - there's no such thing as a neutral transfer lounge. To get into the US, you need a visa and you can apply online for an ESTA (electronic visa). This may be granted immediately or it can take up to 72 hours. Considering that we were due to fly next day, the stress had clearly started early.
In the event, the US immigration site granted us all a visa immediately. The cynic in me feels that this is less to do with security or migration and more to do with making some extra cash (an entry tax). The ESTA lasts a year so, for holidaymakers, it's more or less payable each visit.
To try to reduce some of the hassle, I'd booked car parking through a company called Purple Parking, which will collect your car at the terminal and bring it back for you when you return. It worked out around £10 per day and was much easier than the usual airport car parks and buses.
Everything ran smoothly until we got to the departure gate. We were taken to the plane by bus and it seemed as if we were driving to Slough - we were on the bus for ages. When we got to the plane, there was a delay and then a further delay. I guess we missed our flight slot and had to wait, but we set off late and had a limited time for the transfer at Miami - more stress!
You'd think an hour to change planes would be plenty, especially as our bags would be transferred and we already had boarding cards for the second leg. Well it's surprising where the time goes - 10-minute walk to immigration, queue to be processed, fingerprinted and photographed, queue for customs, have your three bottles of Pimms and one bottle of gin unwrapped, checked and re-sealed, go through security, a walk and a train ride to your check-in gate and we got there literally as they were shutting shop. They were calling my name as we were scurrying along the corridor and the chap at the desk said they were just booking us onto a morning flight.
Quito was much more civilised. Fill in a quick form and they sent us through the seniors channel at immigration so we didn’t have to queue (I think my sister was in front).
The flights back were just as bad. At Quito, we needed to be up at 4am, but then our flight was delayed by an hour-and-a-half. Fortunately, we had a four-hour stop-over in Miami, but they couldn't put our bags straight through (for some reason) so we had to collect them and recheck them in.
At Quito, I was called for an extra security check. Margaret had taken dozens of sachets of the laxitive she takes each day and these had been stuffed into the lid of the case. I'd taken her bag through as it was heavier and I guess these sachets had shown up when the bag went through checks. They must have looked like packets of cocaine.
So there's me, with no Spanish, telling an Ecuadorian security man that these are prescription drugs to keep my wife regular. "Es polvo de mi esposa para el estómago". He didn't seem convinced, ripped one open, sniffed it, had a little taste, grimaced and sent me on my way. I missed the full body search by a whisker! Hope he didn’t get the runs ...
We cleared all the US customs hurdles, rechecked our bags and got to the gate in good time. There was then a massive thunderstorm, which brought Miami airport to a standstill and caused us a two-hour delay. So out of four flights, three were delayed!
The final leg of our journey saw us split up as there were not three seats together. I was in the middle four seats between a taciturn young chap and an elderly Pakistani couple who were going to stay with their son in London for six months. I helped them fill in their immigration cards and it turns out they were going to Hoe Street, which is in Walthamstow, not far from where Sam and Lucy lived in Priory Road.
I watched five firms on the plane:
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - contrived and ridiculous.
Philomena - a bit worthy, seemed like it might be good, but just petered out.
The Monument Men - drama documentary (how the Americans saved Europe's art treasures from the Nazis). Where would we be without them?
Pompeii - starring John Snow from Game of Thrones. Absolute tosh, but kept me interested. Pretty much the same story as Conan the Barbarian but they all get burned to a cinder in the end.
Cabaret - still a hell of a good film.
Worst part of the trip - breakfast on American Airlines from Quito to Miami. I chose a turkey roll, unwrapped it and wrapped it straight back up again. Disgusting and served by the rudest cabin staff you've ever seen.
Best part of the trip - Purple Parking managed to get my car to Terminal 3 (after the flight was switched from 5) and the car was there waiting for us. Icing on the cake after a long, tiring journey.
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